How to deal with negative emotions: Useful tips and practices. Difficult emotions - how to cope? How to deal with emotionality

My thoughts are for those who perceive life mostly emotionally. If you are emotionally stable, and you are almost always guided by considerations of rationality and expediency of your manifestations, I think that what I write will seem strange to you, to say the least...

Life is always different... For emotionally active people, to whom I primarily include myself, impressions from participation in various events and contacts with Others primarily pass through the filters of sensory sensations, influencing our emotional states. After all, emotions are our first response to interaction with our environment. We cry - we laugh - we rejoice - we get sad - we experience a bunch of other states. And so - every day.

When we are constantly in this emotional “cauldron” of ours, it turns out that almost all of our internal states depend on those who surround us. Yes, to become completely independent of your environment is by definition impossible. But we definitely have opportunities to be more ourselves than a mirror of the world. Which only reflects what is happening outside. And even so...it often reflects “crookedly”, refracting many of its reactions through layers of previous experience. Giving out “rehearsed” and often precisely “defensive” emotional responses that once helped out in similar situations...

Where is the possible root of our greater independence - and therefore the ability to more resiliently self-determinate in the most diverse challenges of reality?

The human psyche is mosaic. A whole company of all sorts of different characters cohabits within us - read either roles or parts, from which we - depending on the current situation - are accustomed to react in one way or another to what happens to us. I really like the metaphor that a person is a house. Each one is built primarily according to the design of the primary, parental family, and completed - remodeled by us - as adults. Some people have a cramped dugout camouflaged from strangers, others have a high-rise building with a bunch of different people, often unfamiliar with each other. And all these residents are our different manifestations. Reactions to the environment. Ways of contact with Others.

It’s good when this house is mostly clean and comfortable. Each resident knows his place. There are either no eternal brawlers and constantly sullen crybabies at all, or they still know how to calm down so...quickly. And if in our house there is a Manager, for whom everyone in this house is familiar, who is able to observe order and at least somehow control the manifestations of our characters, who has the ability to calm this one down, to encourage that one, and to “put it in sight” “Consider life a success.

The manager is our deepest part. Which depends little on the momentary nature of life. Some may call it the Soul, others the Self. Psychoanalysts call it the observing part of the ego. Followers of Bern - The adult part of the personality. Which “centers” our psyche, gives it stability in living through uncertainty and protects us from decay and chaos. And our roles - characters - ways of perception and reaction - this is what our Self gets to know itself and the Universe.

You can live your whole life not knowing that it exists in you. But sometimes - in rare moments of silence - you can come into contact with it. When you retire and give yourself the opportunity to just be. Like the tide of the sea, like the sound of the wind in the forest.

To do this you need to do very simple things. Provide yourself, at least for half an hour, comfortably position yourself so that your body feels the warmth and support of what it is now leaning on, and calmly observe your breathing - thoughts - traces of emotions... As if you are in front of a screen on which all sorts of events are unfolding different stories where you are one of the main characters. This kind of attentive but slightly detached contemplation is a good way to gradually become aware of your inner characters. Which for the most part manifest themselves in us unconsciously, impoverishing our possibilities of contact with ourselves and with the world with their fixed reactions. Try just observing. Through even, calm breathing and safe relaxation of the body, slightly slow down the circulation of your thoughts. Hear - see - feel which emotion is making which part of your psyche active now. And which one shuts his mouth. And how precisely such an emotional reaction really corresponds to what caused it “here and now” in your reality. Or is this emotion - thought - sensation - just a familiar “shield” that insures you from encountering something new in your life.

When we have a happy period in life - we are in love, or we have a new interesting job, or something else that joyfully excites us, with all our pleasure we are ready to give ourselves entirely to these positive emotions. At such moments, we don’t care at all that everything that now excites us so much is just the external side of our life. We are ready to open our borders and are happy to take credit for these delicious events and these wonderful people who give us so many delicious things...

But since the source of our joy is external, we certainly do not have sufficient resources to control it in such a way that it uninterruptedly supplies us with only positive things. Any Other at any moment can say a word or do a deed that will really upset us. Yes, and one more thing - euphoric states take up too much of our energy for us to remain in this forever without subsequent exhaustion... Let's see what can happen to us when the “first cloud” comes over our “rainbow” horizon. For example, our love ended in separation. You are left with a very disgusting and painful feeling that you have been abandoned. Your feelings were betrayed. You are “torn” by the most contradictory moods: either you want to run after him and do everything to get him back, or you want to “tear” him to shreds, make his life without you hell. Then you want to become a block of ice that doesn’t care... And in these cases, with the same ardor and heat, you surrender entirely to these painful emotions. Life practically stops, everything focuses around the core of your experiences.

Of course, time always comes out of this. It is impossible to suffer intensely for a very long time, just as it is impossible to rejoice intensely. Over time, everything always calms down. But time “erodes” the pain. It just "dulls" it. But “running on a rake” - in other words, falling again and again into similar passions - how to deal with it?

I think that the development of one’s Self—the observing part—can be very useful here.

When we are completely captivated by something, we are dissolved in only one - out of many quite accessible to us - possibilities of perceiving reality. And we lose touch with our depth. With the Manager of the house of your soul. I want to suggest this to you - instead of cherishing your pain, or anger, or despair, or traces of childhood traumas, try, through the method indicated above, to simply meet your ability from a participant in your today’s tragedy to at least briefly turn into an observer. First, take a closer look—listen to yourself—which part of you is most involved in the situation that is traumatic for you now. This could be your inner child, whom any form of situational rejection plunges into the acute despair of abandonment. Or it could be the younger feminine part of you that was often hurt as a teenager. Or it could be you who needs recognition like air.

When you try to do such work, you definitely free yourself from the totality of your experience. And then you can, for example, say to yourself: “Yes, my little girl is now all in tears - she’s in pain, empty, lonely and scared. But this girl is only a small part of me - today. And I have quite adults who support "I now have areas of my life experience that I can lean on to comfort my little self."

In measures to save yourself from difficult emotions, I want to warn you against immediately switching to all sorts of different actions. When our feelings make us suffer, it’s a good way to “bustle” them, placing the energy of the experience in all sorts of ways of self-switching. Yes, of course, if you feel an inner emptiness from parting with your loved one, you can try to quickly fill it with someone else. But, if you are still filled with the content of the relationship with the one who left, you are in a new contact, instead of really trying to build it, you will try your best to “catch up - agree - complete” the previous relationship. And this new man will most likely fall into the transference of your perceptions - fears - of all the “unfinished things” of your past.

Yes, this is a sure way to eventually come to a disappointing conclusion like: “All men are the same!” And also: “I’m a poor baby!”

My suggestion is to live through your sorrows. By limiting their perception to one part of themselves. But to let her cry is to grieve. Supporting it with other sides of your Personality. First of all, with the participation of your Adult Observer.

Each grief has its own depth. But there is always a bottom. And you can flounder for a long time and tiresomely, trying to “jump out” of the experience, or you can simply accept your grieving part for today. Give her the opportunity to plunge into sadness, so that later, pushing off from the bottom, go up to new sensations of life. From my own experience I know that this method is the best way out of grief. Because it helps to end a traumatic situation. And - as a result - draw quite encouraging conclusions on how to cope with life in all its diversity in the future.

Lopatukhina Irina, practicing psychotherapist

Discussion

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The inability to control our emotions sometimes has a negative impact on our relationships with other people. If you want to avoid problems in many areas of life due to the inability to suppress your anger, jealousy and other negative feelings, then we recommend that you use some simple tips.

Managing your own emotions - benefit or harm

It is worth understanding that controlling emotions does not imply a ban on emotions in general. We are talking about cultivating an internal culture, which, as a rule, characterizes decent and self-confident people. Please note that there is nothing wrong with freely expressing your spontaneous positive emotions, but this should in no way prevent you from suppressing negative expressions of feelings in special situations.

As you already understand, control of emotions can be called management, first of all, of involuntary emotions, which in turn can be called one of the most important components of a person’s self-control. It is also important to understand that control in no way equals prohibition.

If you learn to control your emotions well at the right moment, then, of course, this will only play into your hands. When a person is truly mature, he will not complain about the lack of self-control - he diligently develops it. And in general, complaints are behavior inherent in children and “adult children” who do not want to grow up.

As a result, we can conclude that for a comfortable life in society, control of emotions is still necessary. However, for a neurotic and unrestrained person this will not be easy - in this case, such a task can do more harm than good. Such a person will become even more irritated, and in the end the situation may turn out to be worse than it was initially. At the same time, it is important to emphasize that a total inability to restrain oneself is a mental disorder, no matter how serious it may sound. It may make sense to consult a specialist. If you learn to manage your emotions, there will be no need to control them.

Remember that the spontaneous nature of emotions interferes with our achievement of long-term goals - with our mood swings we can complicate our own lives at the most inopportune moment. It is very difficult for a person who regularly succumbs to emotional outbursts to come to the realization of his true purpose.

How to learn to control and manage your emotions

Often we are overcome by emotions at the wrong moment when we need them. Not always any of our reactions is an adequate response in a given situation. You've probably noticed yourself that in moments of emotional outburst, we often think much worse than in a calm state. Sometimes, you just need to distance yourself from the situation, but internal impulses simply do not allow you to do this. And yet, a person who has managed to make himself a developed personality understands how useful the ability to manage his emotions is. Also, many probably understand that a well-mannered person differs from an ill-mannered person in that he is able to control himself, even when it is quite difficult. In general, self-control is very important. What techniques can be used to cultivate self-restraint?

"Keep" your face

This advice is very simple, but has a tremendous effect. Even if a negative emotion has already arisen in you, do not let it show on your face! If you manage to do this, the intensity of emotions will clearly decrease.

With some effort, you will probably be able to develop the skill of “calm presence.” As you know, Indians are famous for the fact that they often skillfully control their emotions - not a single muscle on their face flinches when they are angry, disappointed or surprised. Perhaps, such a reaction reveals the true inner strength of a person. Conclusion: no matter what storms overcome you inside, you should not show it outwardly.

Breath

In peak situations, it is important to monitor your breathing - when its rhythm changes, your emotional state also changes. Just calmly inhale and exhale, and your condition will gradually return to normal.

It is highly undesirable to demonstrate your negative emotions in the workplace - this is fraught not only with problems in the team, but, sometimes, with banal dismissal. However, it is important to note that it is not only the subordinate who should restrain himself, but also the management!

When you're the boss, you need to learn to control yourself emotionally.

People who find themselves in leadership positions often, over time, cease to adequately evaluate their colleagues, demanding more from them than they are capable or able to give. As a result, an employee who does not live up to expectations comes under emotional fire. Think about it, perhaps a similar situation has developed in your team, and you are simply demanding more from people than they are required to do. If this is not the case at all, and you understand that the employee has failed to cope with his immediate responsibilities, then it is much more effective to reprimand him in a cold and stern tone than to resort to shouting.

Ways to cope with emotions when you are a subordinate

The most important thing is not to try on the image of a victim. Sometimes, an employee who is insulted by a manager almost “relishes” the painful phrases that he voices. The person does not analyze the words spoken, does not think what caused them - he simply accumulates hatred towards the boss. Of course, it is not easy to be neutral towards a person who radiates negativity in your direction, but it is also important to remember that hatred destroys personality, so you should not cherish it. Perhaps in some similar situation you are not able to give a worthy rebuff, but you are certainly capable of ignoring it. When you realize that the situation has reached its peak, simply turn off your consciousness. There is no need to prove anything to your opponent. Wait until he speaks out, and only then calmly tell him what you wanted. Don’t worry that it won’t be done in a timely manner – it won’t cancel the desired effect.

How to become emotionally resilient in any situation

Learn to deal with negative emotions and not give in to them

If you develop the skills listed below, it will be much easier for you to learn to manage your emotions.

• Attention management. You should pay attention to important, positive things, and try not to focus on the negative.
• Control of facial expressions. In particularly difficult situations, it is advisable to save face and not show that you are overcome by any negative emotions.
• Developed imagination. Helps, if necessary, to distract from unpleasant situations and “switch” to something else.
• Breath. When you learn to control your breathing, it will be easier for you to calm yourself.

As you already understand, not everyone is able to manage their own emotional state. And in general, not all emotions can be controlled. And yet, each of us can get closer to the ideal in this sense if we really want to set ourselves a similar task. You can come to this on your own or trust specialists in specialized centers. In the second case, it is important that your mentors are highly qualified and that the centers have a good reputation. To decide on the choice of such an institution, you can read reviews on the Internet.

Remember that our thoughts play a huge role in our lives. When we pay attention to the positive aspects, it is as if we “launch” a positive state inside. If we focus more on the negative aspects, then we attract more negativity into life. Of course, this does not mean that you need to ignore life’s problems, but learn to treat them constructively: not to be a victim of circumstances, but to look for ways to solve difficulties.

If negative thoughts overwhelm you, try to forcibly switch them, direct them in a positive direction - start thinking about something good, or making some plans that lift your spirits. You can simply visualize beautiful pictures in your thoughts - landscapes, loved ones in a festive setting, and so on.

In moments when you are trying to gain control of your emotions, you should think about how you benefit from being in a negative state. Often, a person does not realize that fear, anger or resentment is not a natural or natural state at all. In fact, this is our personal choice, and subconsciously we decided that it is beneficial to us in the current situation and solves some of our problems. Until you understand why you decided to experience this condition, it will be difficult for you to get rid of it.

You shouldn’t suppress or hide your emotions - it’s important to be able to control them

As we have already noted, you should not prohibit yourself from showing emotions. This is about something completely different - emotions need to be kept under control! Do not give free rein to too negative expressions of feelings, and allow yourself to demonstrate a positive mood. Let's find out what a person who is unable to control negative emotions can lose.

1) State of positivity

A person who is overcome by negative feelings is hardly able to think positively. Having succumbed to the influence of anger, malice, or something like that, he is unlikely to be able to “tune in” to a different wavelength in the near future.

2) Calm

Sometimes this is even more important than a state of positivity. A person who is in a calm state is always able to think more soberly than one who is subject to the emotions that overwhelm him.

3) Relationships

Unfortunately, many relationships, which include love, friendship, and business, collapse due to the fact that someone failed to contain the flow of negativity in time. Often this behavior undermines trust, kills feelings, which ultimately often leads to a break in relationships.

4) Reputation

A person who allows himself to frequently display negative emotions is unlikely to have a reputation as a respected and adequate person. When you don’t know what to expect from your interlocutor or you assume that he might suddenly flare up or something like that, you try to limit communication with him. Gradually an opinion is formed about a person that does not suit him at all.

5) Control over life

Anyone who is unable to control their emotions cannot fully control their life. By succumbing to a sudden impulse, a person can lose a lot or face other unpleasant consequences of his impulse. As a result, the life of such a person is less successful than it could be.

In general, the list of losses does not end here, but even from the points listed above it is obvious that lack of control over emotions can sometimes lead to an unpleasant outcome.

Of course, when there are children in a family, the nervous situation in the family may not be the best for their subsequent psychological development. In the presence of children, it is especially important to control your emotions!

Techniques to cope with excessive emotionality

Identification technique. It can help in some peak situations when you need to control yourself. In such cases, it is useful to imagine yourself not as yourself, but as someone else. You can try on the image of some hero or person you want to be like in such moments. Accordingly, you should react and act in the same way as the person with whom you identify yourself would do. The method is quite suitable for creative people with a developed imagination.

Self-hypnosis technique. You can easily use a simplified self-hypnosis technique. At the right moment, you should say certain attitudes to yourself: “I am in control of myself,” “I am invulnerable and calm,” “Nothing will make me angry,” and the like.

Books for parents on managing emotions

If you understand that your family members are not always able to cope with the intensity of any emotions, then, of course, it makes sense to read the literature that teaches how to cope with the manifestation of negativity.

Which books should you pay special attention to? You may like the technique that Richard Fitfield offers in his work “Managing Emotions. Creating harmonious relationships." You can also find a lot of useful information in the book “New Positive Psychology: A Scientific View of Happiness and the Meaning of Life” (Seligman Martin E.P.). Many parents can be helped in managing emotions by the work of Capponi V. and Novak T. “Your own psychologist” or Rainwater J. “It’s in your power. How to become your own psychotherapist."

Managing emotions does not need to be presented as a particularly difficult task, however, you should not attach any importance to it either. Often, it is difficult to achieve the set goal for people who have already missed the moment of the emotion’s emergence, who have not warned it and the actions of their interlocutors who created these emotions.

It is easy for an experienced specialist to understand whether a person is able to keep his emotions under control by studying his “body language”. If a person is calm, his body is relaxed and collected, he is probably able to master his state at the right moment. If a person’s movements are chaotic, his gaze is uncertain or wandering, then, apparently, it is not easy for him to cope with possible negative reactions. Also, a specialist can give a very disappointing assessment to a person whose body is very tense, tense, or seems to be “shaking.” What is meant by the last definition? “Jerking” is characterized by uncontrollable tension running through the body - this can be twitching of fingers, lips, muscles around the eyes, and so on. These symptoms can be controlled by practicing “quiet presence,” which is specifically mentioned in this article.

There is one more important condition when managing emotions - you should learn to relax yourself in various conditions and situations. Always make sure that your body is in a calm state - this skill will provide you with wonderful results.

Some people believe that in a loving relationship it is not necessary to bottle up your emotions, believing that the person you love should accept them “as they are.” It is worth noting that for the time being this may happen, but one day a flurry of negative emotions can still kill the feelings of even the most loving partner. Moreover, this happens completely involuntarily - a person simply one day realizes that he is tired of his beloved’s unreasonable jealousy, temper, aggression, resentment or other unpleasant emotions.

When this critical moment comes, it becomes difficult, and sometimes even impossible, to correct the situation. Of course, in order to avoid such an outcome, it is better to initially value your relationship and not allow spontaneous negative emotions to destroy the trust and harmony that has developed in a couple. Remember that one thoughtless word can echo in all your subsequent relationships with your loved one.

Don Juan on emotional control (Carlos Castaneda, “Controlled Stupidity”)

The last point will tell you about stalking - a special technique that helps you track down your emotions and feelings in order to keep them under control. In Castaneda's writings, don Juan says that stalking can be called "controlled stupidity." If you have studied English, then you probably know that the word “stalking” comes from the verb “to stalk”, which means “to secretly pursue, using various tricks and tricks”, and usually refers to hunting. A hunter is called a stalker. Don Juan Matus taught Castaneda to hunt, first offering to study the habits of wild animals.

The author of the book is convinced that in everyday life one should not forget about the stalker’s method. It is obvious that the actions of a stalker, as a rule, are based on observations, and not at all on what he thinks. Often we are unable to distinguish between our ideas and reality, confusing observation with judgment. Meanwhile, when a hunter observes, there is no room in his thoughts for reflection, judgment, or internal dialogue - he simply observes what is happening.

Carlos Castaneda points out to us that sometimes we not only do not control our negative emotions, but also indulge them. Many people know what it means to be offended by someone for many years, angry or suffering, without doing anything that could eliminate this condition.

Don Juan calls such indulgence in one’s experiences, weaknesses and self-pity a waste of energy, which only brings fatigue and deprives us of many accomplishments. Of course, there is no doubt that a person who indulges in such weaknesses becomes weak himself.

Good day everyone, dear readers of my blog! Our actions, behavior, relationships with others, achievements and, in general, the quality of life depend on the feelings that we experience and on the way in which we express them. They happen to us all the time, and it is very important not to ignore them, but to be able to live with them. Therefore, in this article I want to talk to you about how to learn to cope with your emotions.

What do we need them for?

There is such a thing as emotional intelligence. And in life it is much more important than IQ, because a high level of emotional culture contributes to the development and advancement of a person. And then, a person, even with a low level of intelligence, will be able to achieve incredible success in his activities and will be able to build close and healthy relationships with others.

A person’s life is varied, and during the day he experiences a whole range of feelings. Unfortunately, not always aware or tracking. Feelings are usually divided into positive and negative. But in fact, they are absolutely all necessary and useful for us, even anger. The question is different, namely their saturation.

For example, let’s take joy, a seemingly pleasant feeling, but if it turns out to be excessive for our psyche, it will lead to the same consequences as during normal stress. Or a feeling of shame, which seems to be unpleasant and undesirable for living, but if we did not experience it, we would not control our behavior, and then we would walk down the street naked, allow obscenity, and so on.

Table

Consequences of unawareness

1. Explosion

If a person does not know how to recognize his feelings and cope with them, this can provoke an emotional explosion. To begin with, I’ll give an example: imagine that borscht is being cooked on the stove, and women housewives know that periodically it is necessary to open the lid slightly and let out steam. What happens if we cover the pan and don’t give it a chance to boil? That's right, at one moment the lid will fly off and there will be an explosion. The entire contents will spill onto the stove, floor, and may well burn. It's the same with a person.

Some, due to various circumstances, hide and suppress their feelings without giving them a way out. But at one moment the slightest stress can provoke a huge wave, and then everything accumulated will break out. This is actually very destructive and dangerous, both for such a person and for those around him.

2.Psychosomatics

8.Creativity

It is imperative to give an outlet to any energy so that it does not turn out to be destructive and toxic. There is even a direction in psychotherapy called art therapy. It involves drawing, sculpting, carving and many other ways that help you become aware of yourself and free yourself from tension, fear, and other things. Because, for example, in the process of drawing, you give your subconscious the opportunity to reach you so that you hear and understand it.

Therefore, we can also receive some vital answers by allowing our hand to move with a brush or pencil on the paper. It is easy to free yourself, for example, from anger and fear by giving them the opportunity to give them shape, and then destroying the drawing, tearing it up or throwing it away.

Awareness Technique

If you don't understand what's happening to you or what exactly you're feeling, try doing an exercise called the Sedona method. To do this, you need to choose a time and space where and when you cannot be distracted or disturbed. Gather your thoughts, realize that you need these answers, so you should be sincere with yourself. Take a piece of paper and a pen and write down the answers to the following questions that come to mind:

• What's happening to me now? What I feel? Use the table that I gave at the beginning of the article, because very often we make the mistake of calling desires for any actions emotions, for example: “I feel like I want to hit him” - then this is anger, aggression...
• Do I agree, am I ready to accept this?
• Can I let go?
• And the last question: “Do I want to let this go?”

Conclusion

That's all, dear readers! I wish you to live this interesting life to the fullest, allowing yourself to be different and being able to get out of difficult situations with dignity and without harm to your health. Don’t forget to subscribe to blog updates, so you won’t miss the most interesting news in the world of self-development. Bye bye.

Unfortunately, in our world, negativity and negative emotions surround us everywhere. The ability to find positive and pleasant qualities in something ordinary needs to be constantly developed.

Previously, we told you about the secrets of positive thinking from Natalya Pravdina and other bioenergy experts who have helped thousands of people become happier. Together with this article, Pravdina’s recommendations will have a very positive effect and will tell everyone their path on the path to happiness.

How to deal with negativity

At first glance, the fight against negativity may seem simple, but it is not so, since our inner world is faster filled with negative emotions and charged with negative energy than positive.

What does negativity lead to:

• difficulty making decisions;
• you are easier to control;
• deterioration of health.

Thus, it is clear that human weakness in relation to negative emotions is actually much worse than many assume. How to fight this disease?

Tip one: never keep negativity to yourself. This does not mean that it needs to be thrown out, but there is no place for it inside either. In this case, you risk withdrawing into yourself, which is even worse than just being offended, angry or disappointed. Talk about your feelings with your loved one, with your parents, with your friends. Let them help you or at least listen, which will already help you significantly reduce or smooth out the negative consequences.

Tip two: get rid of bad habits. This includes cigarettes and alcohol, because they chemically do not allow the body to “rejoice” by releasing the corresponding substances. In addition, you can read our popular article about eight bad habits that prevent you from living a happy life. They attract negative emotions, which is why they pose a certain danger to each of us.

Tip three: use of affirmations. This technique works effectively if you are already living in a bad mood and nothing brings you joy. This is an excellent way to protect and heal negative emotions. Every morning, when you wake up, tell yourself that you are happy, that you are in a good mood, that you are ready for victories and new achievements. In short, use positive attitudes. Over time, they will connect with your mind and become your thoughts without reminder.

Tip four: be realistic. If you live with your dreams and hopes, you risk being disappointed, because our world is material. The spiritual side of life can be used in something else, so focus on putting effort into achieving a result, and not just believing in success.

Tip five: accept help and ask for help. This is very important, because there are life situations that can only be resolved with the support of loved ones. Don't reject those who selflessly try to help you get out of depression, because nothing motivates these people - they just love you and dream of seeing you smile.

I recently shared an article - research data that showing negative emotions “for release” is erroneous and does not lead to inner harmony. So what to do with negative emotions?

The most common emotions that destroy us are anger, anger, irritation, fear, resentment, jealousy, shame, guilt, grief. In this article I will focus on the first of them, i.e. Consider the emotions of anger, anger and irritation.

These emotions tend to arise when someone acts in a way that we don't like.

There are 2 options - when someone’s actions really violate our borders(for example, someone uses our things or time without our permission and consent, or behaves really offensively towards us);

Actions that do not violate our boundaries, but nevertheless make us angry or irritated(for example, a loved one does something with their life that we don’t like, or when someone is offended in our presence).

In the first option, the emerging energy of anger should not be suppressed. The right thing to do is to use this energy to protect your borders, transforming it into courage. This must be done without aggression, politely but firmly formulate what you don’t like, and urgently ask the offender not to repeat it again.

The problem arises when, instead of transforming into courage to protect our boundaries, anger is suppressed inward, and we are afraid to tell the “offender” what we don’t like or, on the contrary, we show it through aggression towards him and claims.

Let's look at both of these cases. from the first option (a real violation of our borders).

1. For some reason, we are afraid to protect our boundaries. Perhaps we are afraid of even greater aggression and conflict, or we are afraid of losing a relationship, or being fired, or some other change in our life. In this case, suppressing anger seems justified, but it is wrong, and ultimately leads to even greater problems. It will be useful to learn self-love and self-respect, because... with the development of these qualities comes the understanding that you cannot allow others to treat you badly, no matter who they are. It would be a mistake if, instead of learning to love yourself, you try to redirect this suppressed aggression somewhere. You will attract people who will “offend” you until you take a lesson on developing self-esteem and self-love.

2. In a situation where it seems to us that we are being “offended,” we immediately respond with counter-aggression, starting to blame the person for his shortcomings. But such tactics never lead to improved relationships and spiritual harmony. Anger expressed in this way will destroy relationships, our health, and our destiny. The reason for this behavior lies in the fact that there is a lack of unconditional love for the other person and acceptance of him for who he is, with all his shortcomings. Otherwise, we would calmly, without negativity towards him and aggression, defend our borders. What to learn here is to love and accept others unconditionally, to understand that every person is free to choose how to live. Remember the rule: “judge not, lest ye be judged” or “let he who is without sin cast a stone.” No one was born to live up to our expectations. And we do not have the right to punish a person with aggression because he does something wrong from our point of view. Your goal is simply to prevent him from destroying you, from harming you. To do this, it is not at all necessary to respond blow to blow; it will be enough to calmly and with self-respect learn to defend your boundaries and have the courage to change your life if necessary.

Now let's look at the second option - actions do not violate our boundaries, but nevertheless cause us anger or irritation. There are 3 main reasons why this happens:

1. There is something in ourselves that we do not want to see or admit in ourselves, but when we see this quality in others, it irritates us very much. For example, if I cannot afford to rest, if the house is not cleaned, then I will be annoyed by the person who does this. This is how the mechanism of “psychological projection” works. The cure for this is self-analysis, awareness of the underlying causes of your emotions, acceptance of yourself with all your imperfections, and the development of unconditional love for yourself and others.

2. The way another person lives seems wrong to us, and we consider ourselves entitled to feel (and even express!) our dissatisfaction with him about what decisions he makes, what choices he makes. This often applies to spouses and grown children. At the heart of this is fear and disbelief in their ability to live their destiny independently. Treatment is to get rid of excessive responsibility for the lives of other people, learn to trust the ability of each person to live their destiny in the way they need, and get rid of fears.

3. There is a reason why expressing anger will be justified - if injustice is being done to other people in your presence. And then this anger gives energy to protect them from this injustice. It is only important that at the same time you maintain inner calm, and anger is expressed only at the external level. Remember the rule - “condemn the sin, but love the sinner.”

Those. Negative emotions such as irritation, anger, anger, as a rule, show us our own imperfection and development zone. These are just lessons that come to us through other people. If these lessons are correctly understood and followed, then these emotions will easily be transformed at the moment they arise. Remember that “no one is your friend, no one is your enemy. Every person is your teacher.” You need to learn unconditional love and acceptance of yourself and others. It’s not easy, but it’s absolutely possible, you just have to set yourself such a goal.

Finally, a beautiful idea from W. Dyer: if you crush an orange, the only thing you get is orange juice. Not tomato, not plum, just orange. So it is with life - no matter how much it crushes a person, if there is love inside him, then this is the only thing he will show. What's inside is also outside.

Remember that if something happening around you causes negative emotions in you, then you don’t need to try to suppress them or do something about this world and “imperfect” people. You need to change yourself, develop your soul, and then the reasons for the appearance of these negative emotions will disappear.

Good luck and prosperity to you!