The path to yourself, or how to be honest with yourself. A man's honesty to himself Honesty to himself

Often disagreements arise when there is an inconsistency between mind and heart. Hence they say: you act according to the call of the soul, but it is necessary vice versa.

How to be honest with yourself

To be honest with yourself, it is necessary not to philosophize, reflect and ponder, but to ask the right questions and answer them clearly. The way you would like to be answered.

Questions should also not be twisted, but quite simple and understandable, as if you were addressing them to a 5-year-old child.

To be honest with yourself, it is very important to be objective. Moreover, no one will hear you, and confessing to yourself is as easy as shelling pears.

Let the questions be the most provocative:

1. What can I do to change my life?

2. How often do I get distracted from my goals?

3. Does my spending affect my dreams?

4. What do I really want to do in life?

5. With whom do I need to stop communicating for my own good?

The list of questions can be continued endlessly, but if you want to really be honest with yourself and change something in your life not in words, but in deeds, talk to your inner self. Once you learn how to answer these simple questions, you will notice How do you start living in harmony with yourself? It is definitely recommended to write down the question-answer, and after a week repeat the experiment, then compare the past entries and the new ones and see how you have progressed.

For example, you have bad habits and you want to get rid of them. Your relatives or friends have told you about this more than once. But you most likely think that you are being slandered, so it's time to admit to yourself.

In order to be honest with yourself, you must agree that you do have them, and then answer a series of questions that must be sequentially drawn up: how many bad habits do I have? (if we are talking about self-improvement as such) And you list (write down) everything that you know about yourself: I scatter things, do not take into account the opinions of others, neglect advice, etc. On the contrary, write ways to get rid of them. Let them be the most absurd, but effective: to argue with someone that I can change, if possible, then I will reward myself with some kind of present.

To be honest with yourself, it is not necessary to enlist the support of someone: I did everything well, why met with the disapproval of the boss? There is only one answer to this question: of course!

Just be yourself… That “just” is long overdue to be removed from this sentence. There is nothing easy in being yourself, but it must be done, because

You can't find your happiness by trying to be someone else. (website)

Here are 13 effective ways to become yourself:

1. What are you trying to hide?

Find what you are ashamed of. You cannot be yourself when you are trying to hide a part of yourself from prying eyes. Be clear about what you are embarrassed about and be prepared to be open about it. Being yourself means being willing to show yourself as you are, and not as you think others will accept you. Larry King immediately spoke about his shortcomings and this made it easier for him to communicate with any interlocutor. Often he didn't even have to, but his willingness to talk about his shortcomings made him a better conversationalist and made his life a lot easier.

2. Three basic things to be proud of

Be sure to be proud of the basic things: your first name, last name and work. If your name is Diarrhea Gavnov, change your name. If you work as an incoming proctologist in a receiver of homeless people, change jobs. In cases far removed from these, be proud of yourself. Having flaws is normal, constantly thinking about them is not..

3. One day you are on horseback, another day you are under horseback and vice versa

During the rise, we want to think that this will always be the case, but then there is always a decline. When we are down, we lower our self-esteem and cannot be ourselves. We are ashamed. There is no need to be ashamed of recessions, they are part of progress, you need to be prepared for them. The position should be something like this: “Yes, today I am without a job and I have nowhere to live, but in general I am awesome and it will soon be seen.”

4. Haste

If you are in a constant hurry, you yourself may forget who you really are. Hurrying means putting your habits and thoughts in the grip of time. You can't be yourself when you're in a hurry. Stop while running, turn back and say to yourself running after you “gotcha ?!” Make stops while talking to people. Slow down the pace. The rule here is: the more you hurry, the further you run away from yourself. If you are asked a point-blank question: “You have to make a decision right now. So yes or no"? The answer should always be “no”. Without regret. This is the price of happiness.

5. Life situations

Notice in what situations you are not yourself. A clear pattern will be visible very soon. The same people, places and circumstances cause you tension and out of character behavior. Next time, give yourself permission to relax in these situations. Relaxation means returning to yourself. Learn not to tense up when you are tense.

6. Your language

Don't speak formally. Express yourself simply. Genius is not to complicate a thought, but to express it as simply as possible. To be yourself means to stop dressing your thoughts in triple layers of thick words.

7. Listen instead of talking

Change the purpose of your conversations with people from “speak up and impress” to “listen and understand.” In order not to create additional tension in yourself with the obligation to “understand”, always keep in mind the rule: Understanding does not mean agreeing.

8. Be curious

Ask questions, be interested in what you are talking about with a person. If you do not understand, be sure to ask what your interlocutor meant. Ask difficult questions. Don't feel sorry for people, you think too much about them. Difficult questions, by the way, develop your environment. They will be grateful to you for them later. Being yourself means being interested in the world.

9. Love yourself

Not in words, but in deeds. Make yourself courtesies that no one sees. Self-love should not be shown, but secret. Flowers are for show. Expensive underwear (it also applies to men, especially men) is a secret. Later, the secret will be revealed, and you will decide to always be yourself, because that is how you adore yourself.

10. Exercises to be yourself

Answer honestly - why is it difficult for you to be yourself? Because you are trying to please others! You are a prisoner of someone else's opinion. There are exercises on how to become yourself and not depend on the opinions of others. One of the most effective is to sometimes intentionally take other people out of their comfort zone. They probably won't like it. This is "weight training". Deliberately inducing negative feelings towards yourself is as far from trying to please as it can be, which means it is a powerful exercise on the path to yourself.

11. Look into the eyes

Learn to look people in the eye when you talk to them. Dogs cannot do this. On an animal level, we are programmed to obey whoever holds the gaze the longest. However, don't turn your conversations with people into a meeting between two boxers before a match. Don't avoid looking, be prepared to "watch" to the end until you've finished your thought. The escalator in the subway is a good place to practice at the beginning.

12. Start writing your blog

The more frank, the better. The first candid posts will be painful for you. You will be worried about what people think of you and you will want to fit in. There will be a temptation to hide in the middle of humanity and not stick out from there. But with each new article and with each critical comment addressed to you, the opinion of other people about yourself will worry you less and less, and louder and louder, you will hear your own voice from within. You will begin to become yourself also because you will gain tremendous knowledge of yourself while writing articles.

13. Speak in public regularly

Terrible point, 13th. And yet it is the most effective way to be yourself. I'm not saying this because I run a speaking club, the Speakerclub, every Saturday. I started the Speakerclub because I believe in it. By speaking in front of an audience constantly, you will not only improve yourself through the feedback of the audience from the audience, but accept yourself for who you are. The next step is to teach other people to accept you for who you are. Fuss, haste, panic, all this will pass. Being yourself will become your default state, which will bring you a lot of happiness and will captivate others so irresistibly.

P.S. Read tomorrow: “5 Effective Exercises to Become Yourself”.

Nobody likes a lie. Unfortunately, being dishonest with others and with yourself is sometimes easier than telling the truth. But it shouldn't be like that. By learning to be honest and getting rid of the need to lie, you will clear your conscience and improve relationships with others. By slightly changing your outlook on life, and giving yourself the attitude to be honest, you will get rid of the need to lie and begin to appreciate sincerity more. See Step 1 for instructions on how to do this.

Steps

How to be honest with others

Try to understand why and to whom you are lying. We all have to tell lies from time to time to different people and to ourselves for different reasons. But it will be difficult for you to systematically work on yourself to become more sincere if you do not determine why and to whom you are lying.

Lies that emphasize their own positive qualities, includes exaggerations, embellishments, outright fabrications that we tell others and ourselves to cover up our own shortcomings. When something upsets us, it is much easier to lie than to tell the truth.
We lie to our peers who seem to be better than us, because we want to get from them exactly the same respect that we show towards them. Unfortunately, dishonesty subsequently leads to a loss of respect. Appreciate people for their ability to empathize and understand you on a deeper level.
Lies to avoid embarrassment is aimed at hiding bad deeds or any actions that do not deserve encouragement. If your mom found a pack of cigarettes in your jacket pocket, you can lie about your friend's cigarettes to avoid punishment.
We lie to more powerful people to avoid shame and punishment. When we do something that makes us feel guilty, we use lies to get rid of that feeling, get away with punishment, and return to the reprehensible behavior that we have to lie about. This is a vicious circle.

Anticipate behavior that will trigger guilt. To break the chain of shame and lies, it is very important to learn to anticipate actions that will later cause guilt and avoid them in advance. When you lie, you cover up a shameful truth with a less shameful lie. You can either come to terms with the truth or refuse unacceptable behavior.
- You don't have to lie about smoking if others already know about it. You have what you have. If the behavior is unacceptable, it is best to refuse it. It will be painful for your loved one to find out that you had a love relationship with a co-worker, but you don't have to lie if you don't.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Sometimes we lie to show our best side. Due to the fact that we are constantly competing and comparing ourselves with others, any oddities can be easily covered up with sophisticated lies. If you stop competing with other people and start appreciating yourself for what you deserve, you will not need to lie to rise in the eyes of other people, because you will already be on top!
- Forget about what you think people want to hear from you. Let other people doubt things and accept the fact that they are not "playing" with you or trying to manipulate you. Speak the truth from your heart without worrying about what people think of you. People around value honesty, even if the truth confuses them.
- Let people be impressed by your honesty, not your exaggeration. In many cases, dishonesty is due to an attempt to impress one's peers with inventive inventions that outweigh the merits of others. If you can't keep up a conversation and tell a joke about traveling around Europe, just listen quietly and wait for the conversation to change instead of making up stories about your time in Mallorca.
Accept the consequences and accept everything as it is. Sometimes it is better to admit to lies, deceptions and past transgressions that you are ashamed of, than to continue to excel in lies. You will be freed from pangs of conscience by telling everything frankly. Even if you end up having to deal with the consequences, remember that you deserve it.
Do things that you will be proud of. You don't have to lie if you're happy with yourself! Surround yourself with caring and understanding people who will respect you for who you are. Do things that make you happy and make you proud.
- Drinking heavily every evening will make you feel better for a few hours and enjoy the process, but the next morning you will have a hangover that will cause guilt and shame, especially if it prevents you from working productively. Take care of your mental and physical health. Not do what you regret.
- If someone starts a sentence with "don't talk about it like that, okay?", be prepared to respond like this: "If that's something I'd like to know if I were him, then Do not tell me. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's secrets other than my own."
- to your interlocutor need to know that specific actions will cause physical or emotional suffering, or that his act will harm other people. Your roommate should know that you don't like his drinking in your shared space, but you don't need to tell him that his next date is "indecent."
- you for sure want to say something unpleasant in a fit of anger or emotion, but you can solve the problem in a more acceptable way if you give yourself time to think about it. In the midst of an argument about relationship problems, you'll probably want to say something along the lines of "you got fat and I'm no longer attracted to you," and it's possible that your wife needs to know about it in some way. But the words “I think we need to take care of our health” carry the same meaning, but in a more polite way.
Always be tactful. Everyone likes frank people, but sometimes frankness does not turn out in our favor. Think about the consequences of your words and learn how to rephrase offensive or embarrassing phrases. Learn to keep your opinions to yourself unless you are asked for advice.
Give yourself an objective assessment. It is very important to look at yourself from time to time and evaluate your feelings. What do you like about yourself? What do you need to work on? It is possible to build sophisticated psychological barriers that make us act dishonestly and tell lies, but this can be avoided if we evaluate ourselves objectively. Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses, not to highlight your strengths, but to find out what you need to work on and celebrate your achievements.
- Determine your strengths. What are you good at? What do you do better than most of your friends? What contribution do you make to your daily life? What are you proud of? What have you gotten better at?
- Determine your weaknesses. What do you dislike about yourself? What would you like to fix? Have you changed for the worse over time?
Try to fix what you don't like about yourself. A great source of dishonesty in our lives is our unwillingness to correct things in ourselves that we are ashamed of or disgusted with. Do not focus on these aspects, but try to honestly acknowledge their existence.
- You may have always dreamed of writing your first novel before the age of 30, but that goal is just as far away now as it was 5 years ago. Perhaps you understand that you need to get in shape, but continue to lead the same lifestyle. Perhaps your relationship with your loved one has lost its vitality and you are unhappy because of this, but you cannot pull yourself together and change the situation for the better.
- Try not to make excuses as much as possible. It does not matter why this situation has arisen, because you cannot go back in time and change things. But you can change your behavior here and now and start living a happier life.
Give yourself a chance to improve. Review the list of your strengths and weaknesses and try to identify the aspects that you need to improve, then consider implementing them.
- What have you done to improve your strengths? What are you most proud of? How does this increase your desire to correct your shortcomings?
- What is stopping you on your path to self-improvement? Are these impediments external, such as a lack of funds needed to buy a gym membership and exercise, or internal, such as a reluctance to use improvised means to lose weight?
When you're ready to act, don't back down from your decision. It's easy to lie to yourself. It's very easy to find hundreds of reasons not to do what you don't want to do. That is why we so often allow ourselves to let everything take its course! Don't be afraid of difficulties. Stick to your decision if you decide to end a relationship or get a job. Just move towards the goal. Here and now. Don't wait until you have plenty of reasons to believe that now is "not the right time." Take action once you've made a decision.
- Make it easier for yourself to succeed and achieve your goals. Follow the carrot-and-stick rule after doing unpleasant tasks, like buying yourself a new guitar after breaking up a bored relationship, or treat yourself to a vacation if you've managed to shed a few pounds.
- Achieve your goals with IT: You can sign up for Skinny-Text SMS to get workout reminders on your phone, or even start taking control with Pact, which requires you to pay a certain amount of money to stop exercising.

If someone is forcing you to tell the truth about your behavior, say something like "I was wrong to make such a thoughtless mistake, but I will correct myself! Please give me one more chance to show that I didn't mean it and that I I can be a good friend."

For most people, keeping secrets for the sake of another person does not mean acting dishonestly, if, having learned the truth, the person will be understanding. However, there is still a line between honest and dishonest secrets: keeping a birthday party a secret is one thing, and not telling a child that he is adopted or that his pet has died is quite another.

A group of peers or friends can force you to "deviate" from the right course in order to "get away with it." As with a bad habit, people can force you to conform to circumstances, especially if they themselves lack honesty and directness. You do not have to look for new, more sincere friends, but try to recognize your vulnerability to temptation if you associate with dishonest people.

Warnings

Emotional aspects, not covered in this article, can cause uncontrollable lying: if you cannot control your speech, contact a psychologist or other specialist who can help you cope with such manifestations. Dishonesty can become a habit, and in order to get rid of it, you will have to deeply analyze your actions and start working on yourself.

This is a benefactor. Lies will only delay problems, but will not get rid of them. And with honesty, both to yourself and to others, many problems can be avoided. Including in your personal life, you wanted to know how to find that one and become happy, right?

You go through life purposefully, without wasting time on unnecessary people

When you are honest with yourself, then in the process of searching, you brush aside all unnecessary options. Let's say it's about relationships. If you are an inveterate childfree, then you will not waste time and energy on a person whose only goal in life is to give birth to triplets and brag about it everywhere. You have experience behind you, some awareness and understanding of life, and therefore, you know what you are looking for. But you will not waste time on casual connections, like people who are insecure about themselves. Because you do not need to create problems for yourself from scratch. I saw the goal - go to it.

Don't make excuses and excuses

Do not invent for yourself and do not deliberately try to confuse reality and your ideas. No need to try to convince yourself that you can still do something, you need to face the truth. As they say: what is dead cannot die? Well, they are absolutely correct. If you notice that something is missing in a relationship even at the dating stage, then give up all attempts to build a serious relationship. The likelihood that you will succeed is negligible.

Seeing things as they are

No, you will not become a passive observer, guided by the philosophy "for all the will of God." You will just see a little more than everyone else. Honesty opens up a new view of the world, and it becomes clear what to do in a given situation. If there is no point in twitching and changing something, then you will not waste time on this Sisyphean labor.

You stop forcing yourself to love or respect this or that person, you don’t try to renew cooperation or try yourself on the path of business. It's just that you've been honest with yourself and realized you don't want/can't/don't have the patience to do it.

You attract the same honest

Honesty is a piece goods, and is practically not appreciated by others. Only the same honest and conscious citizens can appreciate it, so over time you will find your man. It will be hard and difficult for a hypocrite with you, but with an honest one, even if nothing burns out for you, at least you don’t have to waste time on empty courtship, everything will become clear the first time. Pretty good time saver, you know. You will not have to endure pain, resentment and disappointment once again.

Don't let anyone run your life

All these opinions and advice from people who tell you what is right and what is wrong is unnecessary noise. When you have loud music playing under your window at 2 am, what do you do? Either you go down to the disassembly with the ill-fated music lover, or you cowardly close the window. In any case, you block out the noise, and you become more comfortable. So here: do not listen to others, you yourself understand that no one except you knows what you really need and what will make you feel better. Even your close friends and relatives don't know. No one knows, for a strange soul is darkness.

Do you know which direction to go

Unfortunately, being honest with yourself doesn't save you from heartbreak, snot, and other forms of disappointment. However, if some bitch nevertheless threw you, then you are not threatened with hard drinking, dismissal, procrastination and six months of painful memories. Of course, you will be sad for a couple of weeks, but you will not go into despair and lament that life is over. People who look at themselves from the outside, soberly assess the situation and always think about how to move forward, and not look back.

Excellent relationship with others

When you are honest with yourself and others, then you have a good relationship and understanding of each other. People very often look for common ground in the most idiotic ways, forgetting that it is much easier to be honest and talk directly. Do not waste time, tell me what you think and how you feel about certain things. Then it will be easier for you to adjust to each other. If you're a vegetarian, you won't eat meat just to disappoint someone, right?

Not afraid to show your vulnerability

With honesty comes a lot of emotional freedom. You stop being afraid to be vulnerable and show your frustration when something doesn't work out. It's not about suffering, but about the fact that you no longer try to run away from your helplessness. And the only way to get rid of your complexes is to recognize them.

So liberation literally makes you invincible, and, perhaps, for the first time in your whole life, you will feel significant relief.

People don't blame you

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- You say that a person can lift himself by the hair?
- Necessarily! Every sane person is simply obliged to do this from time to time!
The same Munchausen.

Inner honesty helps a man seek, understand, and accept the truth about himself. It is inner honesty that provides a man with adequate self-esteem and self-esteem.

In general, honesty to oneself is for me one of the synonyms for the concept of “courage”. After all, cowardice is manifested not only in an open clash with the enemy, but also in everyday situations in which it is so easy to betray and deceive oneself, not wanting to face the truth.

We are accustomed to consider as heroes those who, in extreme situations, show genuine courage, self-control, and determination. But is the one who, in a situation of choice between self-justification and loyalty to oneself, choosing the latter, less worthy of the title of hero? The ability to take risks in this situation determines the measure of courage in a person.

How and when do we deceive ourselves?

When we tell ourselves that we will start a full life after we earn a lot of money, find our love, buy an apartment, a car, etc.

With such self-deception, we often cover up our inability and inability to make the life that we have now happy (after all, it’s much easier with a smart facial expression to put it all off until later, justifying ourselves by the fact that now there are much more important things, goals and tasks that need to be achieved and then relax).

When we push the responsibility for what is happening in our life onto others: the government, the boss, the wife, the girlfriend, anyone but ourselves - "it is they who are to blame for what is happening, but I myself am white and fluffy."

What if you figure it out? If you ask yourself the question not “who is to blame?”, but “what exactly can I do in this situation to change it for the better?” - then, after all, you will have to do men's work, and not inflate snot (although many people call this self-consoling activity “fair indignation”).

When we “sincerely” believe that someone spoiled our mood, offended, angered, insulted, or vice versa made us happy, amused, etc.

In fact, no one, except ourselves, can control our emotions, of course. How else? - It is with the search for an answer to this question that honesty in front of one's feelings begins.

When we think that with another wife, another job or in another country, everything will be different.

This is called an ordinary flight (although many deceive themselves so much that they see decisiveness and optimism in these actions, that is, such an optimistic-decisive flight.

When we tell, to ourselves and others, fairy tales about the fact that this is “the last time”, “a little more” and “very soon”, “literally from Monday”, etc.

Or maybe it’s worth dealing with the present, without postponing your exploits for the future? Acknowledge the problem, understand what's stopping you, and start working on it?

When, by all means, we try to get the approval of other people, "to be good." When we overestimate or underestimate our self-image.

“To seem” instead of “to be” is one of the biggest crimes against oneself and one's life. If you are at least ready to tell yourself the truth about your strengths and weaknesses, weaknesses and strengths, about what is excellently developed, about what is still poorly developed, and about what is not yours at all, you not only discover path to development, but also become absolutely invulnerable to the assessments of others. When they say something about you that you already know, it doesn’t surprise or hurt you (it’s true), but when something that you really don’t have, you can only be surprised at the ability of people to be mistaken (well, or double-check: I wonder if he knew anything about himself?)

When we dream and endlessly plan instead of starting to do something.

A cool excuse in the style of “well, you need to carefully weigh everything, think it over, etc.” - of course, it sounds very convincing for an experienced self-deceiver. Moreover, what is surprising - even if such thorough preparation lasts for years - a person does not cease to sacredly believe in the "reasonableness" of such an approach.

When we say “I love”, but in reality we only mean “I want” (and we even often believe in it ourselves)

Well, of course, it is far from always appropriate to express your sexual desires in a direct form, but for this there is a great and powerful Russian language, words of admiration for a woman (which, by the way, in this situation is just the true truth). But as for being honest with yourself - here it is worth thinking about.

When we are afraid to end the relationship and / or change anything at all, and at the same time we find a lot of excuses for ourselves.

Yes, facing your fear in the eye is not easy, but it is the only way not to betray yourself.

In a word, whenever we engage in self-justification and / or blaming others for our problems, we can safely say that we are dealing with self-deception.

At first glance, it may seem that being honest with yourself is a heavy and thankless burden, but it is not - in fact, a man who is able to be honest with himself receives a lot of dividends:

Honesty to yourself is the happiness of being yourself authentic
Honesty to oneself is the right to live one's own life, not someone else's.
Honesty to yourself is the ability to be the master of your life
Honesty to oneself is the basis for self-respect
Honesty to oneself is the ability to truly love
Honesty to oneself is the source of self-development
Honesty to oneself is sincerity in dealing with other people.
Honesty to oneself is a feeling of dignity, self-acceptance and invulnerability.

How to develop inner honesty?

1. To be honest with yourself, you need to take responsibility for your life and everything in it. Therefore, first of all, check: in what way am I avoiding self-responsibility at this stage in my life? It can be relationships, emotions, actions, circumstances, qualities of one's character, etc. Taking responsibility means not just saying “yes, I am responsible”, but also taking concrete actions to restore order in the relevant areas.

2. To be honest with yourself, you need to have a clear answer to the question: how do I intend to live happily today. Live happily now and you won’t have to deceive yourself and “feed yourself breakfast”.

3. To be honest with yourself - you need to be able to overcome your inertia, fears and doubts. It takes practice. The more often you do it, the easier it is over time, up to the formation of a habit that requires almost no effort.

4. To be honest with yourself - you need to strive to be yourself, to make